Latest Adult, dirty, Non Veg SMS messages & Jokes

How to irritate an archeologist? Show him a used whisper and ask him which period it belongs to.

What's similarity between garden and breast? Both are made for kids but mostly used by adults.

In a lift, man elbow accidently touched lady's breast.
Man: if your heart is soft as your breast you will forgive me.
Lady: if you sex organ is hard as your elbow I am in room 207.

Angry husband sent sms to father-in-law. Your product not matching my requirements.
smart father-in-law: warranty expired manufactured not response.

T-shirt quotes: now more tastier and healthier, handle with care, tasted by experts, shake well before use, can make boneless thing hard, no one can use just once.

Man looked his naked body in the mirror says to wife-look 75 kg of pure dynamite. Wife says: but shame on the 5 cm fuse.

A nigro man attended a night party without dress. The man thought he was in black suit and told your suit is nice, but tie is in the wrong place.

A girl saw a man full of tattoo. Nike on his arms, Reebok on his legs, she was shocked when saw aids in his sex organ. He said: relax when it enlarges, it becomes Adidas.

T-shirt quotes: in front-I am virgin. At back: this is my old t-shirt.

Girl told to tire mechanize have sex with me. Mechanic told, ok. Come to swimming pool. She asked why? He replied because I can identify the hole only in water.

A British man sees front side of girl t-shirt that reads: handle with care. Next day the British man wears jeans pant and writes candle with hair.

Why girls are called babes?
Answer: because they wear nappy pads even when they are grownups.

Lady: why is your husband so punctual in returning home from office?
Lady2: I have made a simple rule. Sex will be started at 9pm sharp, whether you are hear or not.

T-shirt quotes of girls. Touch here if you dare, more enjoyment per liter, weapons of mass destruction, looking free touching costs, sure for pure milk, for sale.

A man lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. A woman passing by remarks: if you were any sort of a gentle man, you would lift your hat to a lady. He replied: if you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.

A drunken says while kissing his girlfriend: darling your lips are very salty.
Girl: stupid stand up.

Why do girls carry milk to give their husband during first night, because they need lots of curd from husband in return.

A guy takes a girl to his room, throws down his paints and says. Meet my little brother. Girls pick up her bag on the way out says call me when he grows up.

A sexy and attractive female employee meets her boss and says sir will you remove something from my breast?
Boss: what?
Girl: your eyes.

Teacher: who's the big person, you or your dad?
Kid: me of course.
Teacher: why.
Kid: I stopped drinking milk from my mom, dad hasn't.

Nurse lost her cat in hospital, anyone have female sex organ All women stood up. I mean anyone seen a female sex organ? All men stood up, I mean anyone seen my sex organ, all doctor stood up.

Research shows men are fat than Women because every night men gets fresh milk and two big apples while women only gets one banana two nuts and one spoon curd.

All eggs in women decided to fight against sperm. They waited with guns in the sex organ. That night no one came, suddenly one shouted guys attack is from backside.

Girls prayed to god why you don't make boy's sex organ more beautiful.
God: no way, though I made it ugly, you suck it; if I made it beautiful you will eat it.

Do you know why a girl gets full mark and boys get fail in practical? It's when they both remove their 1st button of shirt in front of external.

There are two things men really like women to do in hurry. Dress and undress.

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.
Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my clothes?
Officer: well, that's not prohibited.

Boy: if I kiss you and run away then what will you think?
Girl: I will think that a fool instead of attending the full paper just attended the one mark alone and failed.

Teacher: explain responsibility.
Student: mam your blouse has four buttons, if three buttons break down the entire responsibility will be on the fourth one.

Advertisement by Panty Company: we are not the best in the world but we are closest to the best thing in the world.

A note in the sex magazines shop: please hold the magazines with both hands while reading.

Why do women put red lipstick on their mouth? To inform men stop this is not right hole.

Teacher: why cow looks tensed after giving milk? Student: madam, if some one presses your breast for I hours and don't uck, how do you feel.

A boy and animal went to river to take a bath. As he removed his clothes all animal laughed at him.
He asked: why are you laughing at me?
Animals: your tails in front.
p>Girl: what do you like in me?
Boy: those two balls having black dots in center.
Girl: you rascal are you with me for that?
Boy: yes, I like your eyes.

Who's guilty? Wife dreaming in the night suddenly shouts "quickly my husband is back" man get up, jumps out of the window and realizes, dammit I am the husband.

Customer: my wife needs a bra but I don't know the size. Salesgirl: touch my breast and try to calculate. Customer: oh I forget he needs panties too.

Misuse of English: a diagram in a book was not clear. So teacher drew the diagram on the blackboard and announced. Don't look at the book figure, look at my figure.

Husband and wife are like two tyres of a vehicle. Even if one punctures, the vehicle can't move further. So intelligent people always keep stepney.

Boy saw a lady with big breast.
He asked her: can I bite them for $1000?
She says: ok they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.
The boy kisses, licks, puts his face in them, presses them hared for 10 minutes
Lady asks: aren't you gonna bite them?
He replies: no, it's too costly.

A guy picked up for a date. Guy: why are you wearing your belt around your knee? Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

Who is senior's female sex organ or male sex organ? Answer: female sex organ because male sex organ always stands up when he sees a female sex organ, so respects the seniors.

A college girl was in jeans pant and zip was open. Boy went and told miss please close your taj mahal door here my quthubminar is dancing.

What's common between sun and a women's underwear? Both are hot, both look good while going down, both disappear by night.

One man married lady traffic police. Friend asks how your 1st night was. She collected Rs.100 from me for over speed, Rs.200 for wrong side entry, Rs.500 for no helmet.

Do you know why girls wear a shawl on top of their churidar, because it's Indian tradition to cover all eating and dirking things when not in use.

Completing engineering is like a girl pregnant everyone will appreciate the outcome, but no one knows how many attempts were made.

Kid by chance enters into parent's bedroom and is shocked at what he sees. He shouts at his mom and you scold me for just sucking the thumb.

Midnight hot: After 1st night. Husband: dear what do you think about our first night? Wife: darling 5% pain, 5% enjoyment and 90% old memories.

Contest in a girl's college: write a short essay which contains religion, sex and mystery. Winners essay: oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it.

A boy wanted to have sex with girl friend ashamed of his small sex organ decided to bring girl friend in dark place opened his zip and put his sex organ on girl friend hands.
Girl friend: No thanks, I don't smoke.

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: two times two is four, hour plus five is nine, I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine.
Girl: two times two is four, hour plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you will never know the depth of mine.

Boy: aunty why was uncle lying on you last night? Aunty: he was checking my temperature. Boy: did he get it right? I saw the thermometer leaking.

What is meant by burning desire while making sex? It's when you discover that the Vaseline you applied before ucking in the dark was the tiger balm.

What is the difference between a cricketer and condom? A cricketer drops the catch and a condom catches the drops.

What's the similarity between school bell and girls hole? When you hit any of these, children come out.

Sardar: I divorced my wife on the first night.
Friend: why?
Sardar: I saw the label on her panties "tested ok"

What is sex? Its science with wife, its art with girlfriend, its commerce with prostitute and its social service with aunties.

Who is a true music lover? Ans: a girl is singing in a bathroom while taking bath and a boy near the keyhole is using his ears and not his eyes.

Man with no sex organ used a vibrator for years one day wife caught and asked: how dare you cheat me? Man: I will explain about the toy, can you explain about kids.

How to tell your girlfriend if you are going to urine during dinner? Dear, I've to shake hands with a close friend whom I am going to introduce you later.

Dad brought a robot which slaps a person who lies.
Dad: son, where were you?
Son: School, robot slap. Son: film.
Dad- which one?
Son: sai baba, robot slap again. Son: "A" film
Dad: what? I have not seen such films, robot slaps dad.
Mom: forgive him dear after all he is your son, robot slaps mom.

A few quotes on girls t-shirt:
there s a face above this, don't forget.
Object here appear bigger than they are.
I made you look at it.
F ck all that is missing is u.
Don't try to find sun here, its not mountain. This one is really tough for Edmund Hillary.

An innocent man watching blue film for the first time after marriage and see his own wife in it.

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: two times two is four, hour plus five is nine, I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine.
Girl: two times two is four, hour plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you will never know the depth of mine.

Boy: aunty why was uncle lying on you last night?
Aunty: he was checking my temperature.
Boy: did he get it right? I saw the thermometer leaking.

Prof: to keep your character good, think every woman as your mother.
Student: but thinking every woman as my mother will make my fathers character bad.

Girl: my right leg is lunch and left leg is dinner, what you will like to have?
Boy: I would like to have snacks between lunch and dinner.

A maths professor sent a sms to his wife. Dear you are now 54 years old and unable to satisfy me. Now I am with my 18 years old female student so I will be late tonight.
Wife replied: dear you're also 54 years and unable to satisfy me. Now I am with our driver who is also 18 years. As you are mathematicians you know very well that 18 goes into 54 many times more than 54 goes into 18 so don't come tonight.

Sardar was very angry because all jokes were about him; he asked his wife, tell me one joke without my involvement. His wife said: I am pregnant.

Wife: remove my nighty.
Sardar: ok
Wife: remove my bra
Sardar: ok
Wife: remove my panty
Sardar: ok
wife: never wear my dress again

Less noise: implementation of sex using while loop.
#include sex.h
#include bed.h
void pain ()
{
int sleep=0;
clothes=0;
voice=aah:
do ucking(); while (end1=pleasure);
get condom();
else
getchild();
}

Difference between good girl and bad girl. Good girl Open a few buttons in hot atmosphere, but bad girl open all button to make the atmosphere hot.

An innocent man watching blue film for the first time after marriage and see his own wife in it.

A couple having sex in bedroom asked son to stand in the balcony and keep telling them what's going on outside.
Son: john is buying fruits, Tina is playing and Michael uncle is ucking his wife.
Dad: what? Is he doing it openly?
Son: no, I haven't seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony.

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy: I saw one strap of your bra.
Teacher: get out of the class for 1 week.
Two boys laughed, Teacher: why did you laugh:
boys: I saw both straps. Teacher: get out for 1 month. She bent down to take chalk, jony started walking out.
Teacher: jony, why you are going out?
Jony: what I just saw I think my school days are over.